Go…Now…

March 4th, 2014

It’s a Monday Evening and we are all getting settled into our seats for our Psychic Class.  Our teacher, the very talented Ms. Gerri DeSimone asks if anyone has had anything of unusual substance that they would like to share with the class and for discussion.   People are asking questions and helping each other out and my teacher progresses right into today’s topic of discussion, The Ascended Masters.   Now if you don’t know what the Ascended Masters are, I will give a quick and brief summary for reference, as there is a lot to learn and take in…

An Ascended Master is a being who has become Self-Realized and serves humanity thru spirituality and while they were upon this earth, has raised his/her vibration to a sustained frequency of light.  The individual can now come and go at will from the earth plane without the Birth//Death cycle, providing Spiritual Direction, Guidance, Growth and Protection to those who remain on the physical plane.   Some Ascended Masters include, Jesus, Mary, Goddess of Mercy (Quan Yin), Melchizedek, Metatron and many others.

Each Ascended Master has a specialty and/or purpose.  So if there is something you are particularly struggling with, you can call upon that specific Ascended Master for Assistance.  Ascended Masters can also provide guidance and intervene on your behalf for the greater good, and to move your energy and spiritual path to a higher vibration.  One way they can provide instruction is through the Ascended Masters Tarot Deck.

Now, I have to tell you.  While I am Psychic, Empathic and a Medium, I have never really put much faith in Tarot.  I might even go as far as to say I “Didn’t” believe in Tarot.  However… As I am learning, Spirit has and will prove me wrong in order for me to be less judgmental and more open minded.   I have been asking Spirit and the Universe for signs and direction on a consistent basis since my world has fallen apart.  And while I am climbing out of the pit of despair, other people are recognizing a shift and a change in me; though I don’t always recognize it within myself.   There are times where I still feel lost and walking blindly upon this trail and path of this so called physical life.  And this particular day, before class had started, I was discussing my situation with a few members of the class in a generalized discussion.

Our teacher has an Ascended Masters Tarot Deck, and instructs us to blindly take a card from the Deck and to pass the remaining cards to the next person.
Again, as I don’t particularly put a large amount of faith and substance into the Deck, I just spread the cards and picked any old random card…  Or, so I thought.

SerapisBey

Serapis Bey:
an Ascended Master associated with Luxor in Egypt,  who holds open the Temple doors on the etheric level, and is one of the great teachers of ascension on the planet.  Serapis Bey originally came from Venus and is the Keeper of the White flame.  He is the master of the third ray, the yellow ray of active, creative intelligence, helping to bring perfection, focus and independence to artists, musicians, peacemakers, philosophers and metaphysicians.  He works to balance and activate artistic beauty in all areas of life, and He helps with personal initiations.  As an Egyptian god of ascension and a bridge between heaven and earth, Serapis Bay is the ultimate life coach who motivates people to take good care of themselves, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. 

What it means when you pull this card from the Tarot Deck:
– It’s time for you to go, either away from a toxic situation or toward something desirable. This card signals that it’s the right time to make your move.
Quit your job
Leave a toxic relationship
Move to a new location
Start a new project without delay
Take a vacation
No more excuses – just do it.

The conditions are ripe and perfect, and the universe is poised to support your move.   Call upon Serapis Bey whenever you need additional energy and motivation to take action. 

Now, you want to talk about IRONY… THIS my friends is an IRONIC as one can get!    This card resonates with me in SO MANY different facets I can not even begin to culminate it all, but on the forefront –
a) The image within this card is the very embodiment of how I have always perceived myself.
b) Those that know me, know of my Otaku for Sailor Moon – (Toys, Sailor Venus, etc)
c) My new path with being a Medium
d) Work
e) Relationship
f) And then some more

My classmates and my teacher who had heard my rant earlier in the class all resonated with the same “Ah…Uh Huh…” and “See!  Spirit is answering and guiding you in the proper direction…”  Apparently, I can no longer ignore my calling and apparently need to continue to take action to make positive improvements within my life for the greater good…   My Mediumship teacher, the Fabulous Lauren Rainbow tells the class consistently that “If you are meant to do this work, Spirit will sustain you.”  Set the intention and follow the path.

I just wish my path was much more concrete and visible as to the where and the direction I must go…  Never the less, I am on it, and I am continuing to walk upon it…

Well, That Was Different…

January 28th, 2014

Right now, I am in the process of 4 different psychic and mediumship classes.
A Psychic Development class, – all levels
A Mediumship Development class – all levels
A Progressive Mediumship Development class – Intermediate
And next week, I attend my first Advanced Mediumship class.

This week, was my first Progressive (Intermediate) Mediumship class.  I was quite excited and a little nervous at the same time.  It’s funny, It’s like, I enter the room of the school and immediately I feel charged, I feel the energy of Spirit and the universe.  It’s like electricity that just runs through my body.  It’s something to behold in my opinion if you are able to ever experience it.  I find it very calming to be able to just relax and bask within the energy there.

As I sat in the classroom, one of 3 people in there already, a woman walks in and sits across from me.  Something clicked, I just knew, there was something already there.  I couldn’t begin to tell you what, but her energy and mind were just on the same wavelength.  More people came into the classroom and started catching up and having small talk.  Our teacher, the very talented Ms. Lauren Rainbow came in and we went around the room making our introductions and then led us into our meditation.

After meditation, a couple people within the class started giving readings and I felt the presence of spirit beside me.  Mom was there as were a couple others that I did not recognize, but I did ask one of the to present themselves and let me know if they had any message to bring forth.  I began to see what I thought was a Grape Orchard.  I saw grapes, and vines in the vast outdoors.  It then switched to indoors where what looked like wine vats and barrels.   I then saw a table with a bottle of wine that had the name “Vino” on it.   I made the assumption (we will come back to that in a few minutes) that they must have owned their own Vineyard and Winery.

I asked spirit for a little more detail about themselves.  I tried to get a feeling of who this spirit was, and I felt confused.  It “felt” like it was a man/male spirit but had the presence of a woman, but was definitely male.  I decided to go with what I felt and didn’t spend too much time on it.   Meanwhile I am dotting down all these images and notes in my notebook.  “How old were you when you passed?” I whispered and the age 38 popped up.  I asked spirit how they died and I saw a scene being played out in a Hospital ER room.  Doctors and nurses surrounding the man and talking to him, a brace around his neck.  “What happened” I asked and saw him on a ladder and it falling backwards  and hitting the ground.   He had broken his neck.   “When did this happen?”  Around the late 1980’s is what I wrote in my notebook.   I tried to get a few more descriptive details of him, but I don’t think I was very successful…  I felt like he had Italian features and maybe a moustache but it wasn’t bushy.  I don’t think he was over weight, but he wasn’t skinny as a rail either.  I wasn’t quite sure what questions I should ask next and Lauren was looking for someone else who had a connection to spirit, so I figured, now is a good a time as any!

Image

As I step forward, Lauren see’s that I have my notebook in hand…
“Aunh!!  GIve me that!”
“I am just going to put it right here on the table…”
“Nope, I’ll take it, I want you to not use it as a crutch and to be able to work with spirit directly…”

So with that I asked Spirit to stick close to me for this reading.

I get to the front of the class and start out by saying “I have a male presence who I believe is for someone on (the left) side of this room but I want to send it out to the rest of the class to see if anyone else can take this.  He is around the age of 38 and he is showing me what looks to be like a Grape or Wine Vineyard.  Can anyone relate to this so far?”

Lauren replied “Those are some pretty unique descriptive details…”

Sure enough, the woman I had felt a connection to earlier when she entered the room raised her hand, and again, was the only one in the room that could take this information with what had been provided so far.  Ironically, the woman’s name was also Maureen.   I was not really all that surprised and made a comment that I had a feeling this message was going to be for her.

“He is showing me that he had fallen off of a ladder off of what I think is a Wine Vat…??  Cause he showed me he died in a Hospital and/or ER room with a brace on his neck, and I feel like he had broken his neck.”

Maureen had nodded and acknowledged that she could take this information… and then… I didn’t know what to do next and I think I panicked a little bit and lost control of the situation.  I asked spirit to help me and to come closer.   Well, spirit did just that… The amount of energy that came forth was very intense and I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it…. I looked at Maureen and asked for her hand.  When she gave it to me, I suddenly felt the urge to get down on one knee…. “Oh my God… ”  As I looked at her I started to well up and became very overwhelmed… I said a few things that I am not quite sure of because the feelings were so intense… but something along the lines of “I think he was in love with you”  and “he was going to propose!”  she nodded and I think she added “but not to/with me…”  I said I was sorry and I gave her a hug…  I was seriously overwhelmed and my own emotions started spiraling out of control… Luckily Lauren jumped into gain control of the situation.

“OK… Let’s Review Here!!  Brant, you are a very good empathy but you can’t let it control you.”

Maureen said she had a friend who was a business partner, he was French, he worked at a Winery with her.  He was around the age of 38 when he passed in the hospital due to an accident where he broke his neck.  He was not in love with her because he was a gay man.

HA!  Leave it to the gay spirit to find the 1 gay medium!  But, now I know why I felt a Male spirit but with a female like personality…. So I am learning what the different energies feel like and what they mean.

He was in fact going to propose, but not to me, to his partner before he had died.

So Right person to deliver the message to, but the wrong message.  I essence, I don’t know what the message was because I got so enrapt in the moment.   Lauren told me that you have to work with the spirit to manage the energy.  If the spirit energy is too close, then you can ask the spirit to take a step back.  When you feel the urge to get down on one knee, you don’t necessarily have to do it, you can tell the person, that you have the urge to get down on one knee, and then ask them if they understand or relate to that, and don’t forget to give the person you are reading for the opportunity to respond.   So, like I said, I may be excelling and my abilities getting stronger, but I still have a lot to learn…

“Hear Me! I’M Talking to You!…”

January 14th

My second Mediumship training class.  Would I be able to do what I did before?  You know what… I’m not going to try cause when I try, I try too hard and then nothing ends up working.  I am going to sit right here, learn and just observe others today. … Or so I thought…

I am sitting in the back of the classroom after our initial Meditation where our Teacher, the very talented Lauren Rainbow is explaining to the class what to expect, how she teaches and works for those new to the class and preparing us for our meditation.
Lauren RainbowDuring her instructions she explained to us the symbolism of numbers and numerology and one person stated how they were seeing a recurring theme with numbers.  As Lauren explained, she touched on something significant, at least to me.  As you can see above, I am the White Knight IX. IX = 9.  I’ve ALWAYS felt connected to the number 9.  It’s been my lucky number and at the same time has also been a sign of struggle. For Example: Mom was born on the 19th and died on the 29th.  1999 was my year of LIVING HELL!!!  My first Trifecta where I kept reliving some events in Triplicate…  3 Car Accidents, 3 Losses, 3 Significant Life Changes – identifying as Gay, Realizing I was in Love and not having it returned, Ready to move out and then having it all taken away… 3 Changes in my Career… It was a very tumultuous year… and one I was glad to have behind me.

The significance or definition with the Number 9 represents Completion and/or The End of a Cycle.  So of course this gets me thinking…  What is it am I completing?  Is this my 9th reincarnation?  Is this the last test of my soul?  I have been told by many and have always known, that I am “An Old Soul”.  I wonder with hesitation what still lies ahead of me… but not today…. and Lauren is now leading us into our Meditative state so that we can be open to spirit.

After meditation, Lauren has us move right into delivering Messages.  The first one to present to the group is a girl whom I know to be very talented, as she channeled Mom and read for me in our first class, and then I channeled her father in the 2nd; the very gifted Katie.   What I really like with Lauren is her ability to read the energy with you and she can help guide you when you aren’t sure what is being presented to you by spirit.  Lauren helped guide Katie just as she did with me the previous session when I was channeling her father and being presented with these images that I was confusing with my own child hood memories, but I knew that they weren’t mine.   As Katie completed her reading, other people began lining up with messages to deliver and raising their hand…

Meanwhile, as all this is going on and people are giving readings and messages, my head begins to turn and cock to the right and my attention is directed to the other side of the room.  I realize that my gaze is then drawn to a woman who I can’t see because of the angle of myself, her and the person next to her with obstructs my view.  I am like… OK… Whatever.  I need to pay attention to what is happening in class.  I readjust myself and refocus my attention and gaze to what is taking place in the classroom.

Sure enough… I feel it again… Like my head is being turned and made aware of someone on the other side of the room. … What the Hell!!  I feel the brushing and tingling over my left ear which is a signal that spirit is trying to talk to me.  Then I hear it…
“Are you even listening to me?!”

“!!  OK!   Fine.  If we are going to do this then you need to help me.” I whisper quietly to myself.
I see the vision of a woman short about my height, white hair, glasses, not sure of her nationality but definitely feisty.  So I start asking questions and writing in my notebook:

20140128_104452

It is getting close to the end of class and the spirit energy is really picking up around me, and in my head I hear “Are you going to do this or not cause you’re running out of time!”   Seriously, when spirit has a message, they will get it conveyed if it really needs to be conveyed… So as Lauren is going around asking if there’s anyone else I just say fine, and raise my hand.   “You, you and then Brant, you’ll be our last one.”

So the other students in the class get up and deliver their messages and then it is my turn to go…

“OK… so I have an older woman who has been very adamant about getting me up here.  She said to me “Are you even listening to me??”   She told she was/is about 67 years old and I’m not sure what the significance is but she told me that Salem is Very Important to her.  She died due to complications of the esophagus or throat… Is anyone able to take any of this information?”

Sure enough, one of the women on the other side of the room that I was having my head turned and pointed in the direction of, meekly raised her hand.  Ironically, she was the only woman to raise her hand in the room.   The woman, Noel, said that she felt bad because she felt like she was hogging all the spirit readings!  Lauren interjected and stated “you shouldn’t feel like that because there will be times when there are messages that need to be conveyed and tonight is your night!”

“How do you connect with this woman?” I asked.
“I believe it is my Mother.”
I told Noel how she kept turning my head towards her when I was in the back of the room and stated she kept saying to me “Are you even listening to me?!” as I had pounded on my notebook.  Noel began to laugh as she stated “Yup!  That’s my mother!”   I felt a shift within myself and now everything just turned up into High Gear!!!

“She is showing me that she has 2 cats…  Did she have 2 cats?”
“Yes”
“A calico and a coon?”
Noel gasped a little, covered her head and replied “Yes…”
“She is telling me how she Loves her cats”
“Yep Yep!  She adored her cats!:

“I keep hearing… dooo doo doooo … Like someone is singing to me”
“That’s because my mother was a singer.”
“And how does Auburn or Auburndale fit in to that?” I asked…
Now, I am not 100% sure of what Noel’s reply was in this instance… I started to lose a little bit of my attention and everything that was happening to me and all around me… the energy just lit up like a light bulb and I could feel myself getting emotional… but I think she said either her mother sang in a festival in Auburn/Auburndale, OR the song she was singing to me was one of her favorite titled Auburn or Auburndale…

“Your mother told me “He Asked for that…  It was a book…  Do you understand the significance of that?”
“Yes, when we were cleaning out the book shelves at her house, a book had fallen from the pile and my son said he wanted that book.”
“What was the book?” I asked
“(Missed the Title)”…
Who wrote that I had asked the class and the reply was Silvia Platt…
“Who wrote Firestarter?”  I also asked and the reply was Stephen King.
“I don’t know what the significance is… but within the pile of books is FireStarter.  There is something significant with that book.  You need to give it to your son.

I closed my session with spirit by asking if there was any remaining message to convey.   Then, similar to last time, it was like I was in a trance and words just came out of my mouth… “I am so God Damn Proud of You!”    Noel laughed cause it sounded just like something her mother would say!

I think even Lauren was rather impressed because this was my second channeling and she didn’t even have to get involved this time.  She did have 1 piece of advice though… “Lose the notebook, it’s a crutch cause if you ever train with John Holland, he won’t let you use it and it can hold you back from your reading and delivering the message from the energy and spirit.”

Noel also had a comment for me. “I would just like to add 1 last piece of information for validation… My mother worked in the District courts in Salem and loved her job there!”   “What was your mom’s name?” I asked… “Dawn” She replied.  For me, Channeling is very personal.  It’s like connecting with a person you only just met and truthfully it can be very emotional and I want to be thankful to them, for allowing me to present their message, so I want to remember to always be thankful to spirit and to thank spirit by their name just in case it is not conveyed to me.

Looking for Guidance…

September 15th

I was still lost and my mind and emotions were still spinning.  I needed some guidance and some direction, before I fell further into darkness.  Apparently the universe and spirit guardians were watching over me, for an opportunity presented itself just after mom’s passing and a very dear friend Carla kept me in mind.  Carla was having a Medium come to her house for a number of 20 minute readings, maximum of 8 people.  I told her I would be there.

It had been just over 2 weeks since Mom’s passing and her initial visit.  I went to visit my grandmother for the day before heading over to Carla’s to speak with the Medium and hopefully my mother.  My grandmother was also very distraught, having lost her husband, my grandfather not even 4 years ago in July of 2010, now to loose her daughter after a year and half battle with breast cancer is devastating to her heart and her soul.  Nana (Liz) is the last surviving member of her family.  Born to Felix Mastrangelo and Adeline D’tullio, she was the second to last child of 9 Sisters and Brothers.  Clementine, Michael, Jennifer, Ida, Tommy, Rosie, Jay, Elizabeth, Josephine.  More than half of them were all lost to a battle with one form of cancer or another…  My grandmother was only 3 or 4 years old and out with her mother and one of her sisters when her mother collapsed in the street lined market, dying shortly after of a brain aneurism.   My grandmother knew what it was like growing up without a mother, her father struggling to support a large family.  Essentially her brothers and sisters were the ones that raised her.   We went from a large family of all the aunts and uncles and cousins and always getting together to just 3 of us now… Myself, my brother and her…  How do we move forward?  How do we get thru the 2nd half and the last years of our lives without our mother and without her daughter?   Nana was just as lost as I am… Maybe she should come with me…

MeAndNana

I am not the only one with the gift of foresight.  I know where I get it from.  Nana is just as intuitive as I am.  We both share the talent of psychic dreams and knowing certain events.  Like me, she’s never had an opportunity or outlet to advance her skillset, but we can hear each others thoughts, pick up the phone before it rings and know that the other is on the other end.   I just am not sure how open she would be to going to see a medium.

Nana and I sat down with coffee and tea in hand.   I told her the story of how mom came for a visit and her laying down with me.   She told me of the discussion her and my mom had, and how my mother did not know how to tell her children that she knew she wasn’t going to survive… even though my mom was adamant that she was going to get thru it…  “It’s just a bump in the road, we’ll get thru this” she would say with a smile and a squint.  Still can’t believe that she didn’t…  It has become very lonely, painful and empty for all of us…  At the age of 82 Nana says “why am I still here??”  “It should have been me… I was the one ready to go…”

“I am going to go see a psychic at 3PM today… Do you want to come with me??”
“Oh no honey, I’m not ready… it’s too painful and you mom isn’t even settled yet…  It’s only been 2 weeks” she said.
“Mom has already come to visit me…  She’s trying to tell me something but I’m not sure what it is… I think I need to find out…”

So with a few more words and finishing our cup of coffee and tea… I went on to meet up with Psychic Candace where hopefully, I could talk with Mom…

When I arrived at Carla’s we greeted each other and I sat down for a bit as Candace was in session with someone else.  Carla and I and a few others that were there we talking of our hopes and expectations…
Carla said “The feedback is that Candace is very good!  Everyone so far seems to be very pleased with their reading.”
Then it was my turn to go in.

When I entered the room, I already felt spirit energy all around me!   It was Carla’s daughter’s room that we were sitting in. Dimly lit with candle light, most of her daughter’s toys and belongings that she had left behind when she went off to school…. or at the very least, that is what I remember.

Candace was a very warm and welcoming individual.  She was seated down in a black blouse, with glasses and black hair… though her hair was styled a bit differently than in the photo.  She said hello and explained what the process is and how she works.

candace

“There is spirits already here in the room with us” she said.  She noticed that I had come prepared with my own notebook and reminded me that if there was anything that may not make sense immediately, to ask other members of the family.

She started off by stating that she sense 3 individuals….
The first she described was a  young boy under the age of 12 with curly hair who looked like he may have died of Polio.   I responded by saying I am not sure that may be, I only know 1 individual in my grandmother’s family that had polio, my grandmother’s brother Uncle Tommy, but he had survived it when he was young and died of cancer later in life in the past 10 years.   I asked my grandmother later but she wasn’t able to recall any other reference.
She then asked if I could relate to an older gentleman, dressed in his Sunday Best, he worked as an Engineering Manager and died of an aneurism.  Even before she finished describing him, I said to her, “He’s wearing a blue stripped tie and has grey receding hair…” She stopped for a second, looked into the air and then back to me and said “Yes…, so you are gifted then.”
“I am partially psychic… ”
“No, there’s no partially.  You are psychic!” she said.
“He’s telling me that it was his house… and his way…”  she said, to which I replied
“You know what, that’s fine, but he was wrong, we didn’t have the best relationship and I would rather leave it at that.”

So with that, Candace attempted to connect with my mother.  Candace focused in and began describing her, that she was young and had passed before her time.  She described the clothes that she was buried in; and she also stated that she had recently passed and had not yet crossed over….  It was then that I handed Candace, Mom’s picture….

“Yes, that’s her alright…”
Candace then asked how I connected with the Month of February, explaining to her that was the month of my Birthday, and she asked how I connected with the month of August, which was the month that she had died.   Finally, with the month of May, which was Mom’s birthday.   All of these were to validate that Mom was coming through.

Candace also stated “she’s talking about … a cheesecake?”   That’s because I make a Reduced Fat Cheesecake like no one else does.
“Your mom says to beware of water damage.”
“Water damage…?  Who’s house?  Where?  Is this Nana’s house ma?  I asked.
Candace only replied “She is not being specific… just be sure to put money aside.   The other thing she is telling me is to mend your fences.”  Since I don’t really have a fence, and Candace wasn’t able to provide any clarification, I took this statement as a metaphor for repairing relationships, as my partner of 8.5 years and I had just separated about 2 months prior…  Just an FYI… 2013 was NOT a good year in any way shape color or form.

“Your mother whispers in your ear right when are about to fall asleep.”   I told Candace how I can tell when Mom is talking to me.  I DO Hear her and feel her, it’s like a light breeze across my ear, how it tickles and told her the story of the night mom laid down with me after her passing.  “Trust, what you hear.” she said.   “Is there any connection to Carol?”   Hmm… there’s aunt Carol and my brother’s daughter Carolyn, whom incidentally, my mother never had the opportunity to meet her 3 year old grand-daughter.  However was Candace said it was definitely Carol…

To wrap up our 20 minute session, Candace had me draw 3 cards from the Tarot Deck.  Now, here’s the interesting part.  I personally, do not believe in Tarot Cards.  That’s not to say they don’t work for other psychics and believers, but for me, I do not feel any connection to them.   Here are the 3 cards that I had drawn…
Spiritual Growth
Meditation
Let go and Let Be

Candace and I had a little discussion afterwards, everything that had taken place and how lost I had become, how I was looking for guidance and what I should do…  She told me that my mom, my guardians and the spirits would guide me.  I just need to heal… I would like to think that this path of mine, is going to help me with that.

By whiteknightix

Mom Comes for a Visit…

September 1st

Two nights after mom passed, I came home to an empty house.  For 2 days prior, I stayed at my parents house.  I had hardly slept.  Grief stricken, I would lay on the couch, crying myself to a few hours of sleep.  I kept reliving the days up to mom’s passing, not even 2 weeks prior the week she was in the hospital and the events of her passing.  Now know , now I am back in my own home.  And I don’t know what to do with myself.  So I washed up and climbed into bed.   One more time crying myself to sleep.  While I slept… I suddenly became aware that I was no longer alone.

I could feel it…  I became aware as if someone had turned on a light switch in my head.  It was strong enough that I realized and became conscious yet still asleep.  A spirit had entered my room and there was a familiar feel to it at the same time.  I then opened my eyes, and without moving the rest of my body, looked around the room.  I was charged, electricity running up and down my spine.   And then, something that I’ve only felt happen once before… though unrelated.  I then, felt the presence climb onto the bed with me.  I suddenly realized… Mom had come to comfort me.  I started crying cause I knew it was her… I said Hi Mom, I Miss you so much… I could then feel her hug me under the covers.  She just laid there with me and held me till I fell asleep and for the rest of the night.   I could feel her and sense her.  I so didn’t want that night fall to end…  for when I woke up in the morning… I knew… she was no longer there…

MomPortrait

To Maureen, With Love…

August 29th, 2013

To Maureen, With Love…

As I lay on the sofa of the hospice center…  contemplating how I am supposed to continue on with the rest of my life, my beautiful mother Maureen, is nearing her final hours of her life upon this earth.  My heart is breaking with every exhale of her breath knowing that every second is the last precious second that we will have together as mother and son.   It’s 3:31 in the morning and she is turned sideways, facing the pale eggshell wall of  her room.  My brother, sits to her left, trying to keep  vigil as his head bounces forward and back as he fights to stay awake. My grandmother, sleeps in the reclining chair as she is small enough to fit in it.  Mom’s eyes are open, but she does not consciously see those in front of her.  As she breathes, her mouth wide open, there’s the moan of her voice coupled with the gurgling of fluid in her lungs.   She lies there, on the bed,  with almost 4 mg of morphine per hour being pumped into her body by the medicine pump that lies beside her in an attempt to keep her comfortable and ease her breathing.

My mom… she doesn’t deserve this… she always put everyone else first… she was always taking care of everyone else… her patients, her father, her mother, her children.  She lived her whole life for everyone.  I get it, that was her choice.  She always said “Bran, Your health comes first!” … And yet, she ignored her own advice.  That, I do not understand.

In 2011, My partner at the time, Josep and I lived together in a beautiful house that we were lucky to be able to find, purchase and move into some 5 years prior.   We hadn’t had any recent family pictures taken at the time and I had asked my Photography instructor, the very talented and world renown Ella Carlson from the University of Massachusetts Lowell if she would be so kind as to take pictures of us as well as my growing hobby business of restoring vintage Sunbeam MixMaster Mixers.  After the photo-shoot, I remember hugging my mother on the landing and feeling the hard lump on her chest by her shoulder.  it was probably about the size of a baby’s fist.   What I don’t recall, is whether or not I actually said anything…  If I did, then I think she said it was just a cyst that she had to go have looked at… but I cannot for the life of me honestly remember.

I am suddenly made aware of a shift in the room.  Though my mother lay unconscious in her bed, I can hear her crying… I can feel her crying… knowing that she is dying and thinking that there is nobody there… trapped within her own body and not knowing how much longer she can fight.   The hospice nurse comes in and I tell her that my mother is crying, but she only replies that “No, she is very comfortable, her breathing is labored, this is part of the dying process.”  BullSHIT!!  I don’t care what the doctors or nurses say.. she may not be feeling anything physically, but she was not comfortable!   She then made an adjustment to the morphine pump and told me that she had bumped it up to 5 mg per hour.

I awoke and told my brother to go lay down on the sofa and that I would take vigil.  I propped my chair on the opposite side of him and the bed, positioned myself in the same direction that my mother was facing.   I started petting her bald and bumpy head from the chemo and the inflamed lymph nodes as tears started to run down my face.   “Don’t cry ma… I am right here.  I promise I won’t let anything happen to you… I love you so very much.”   Her cries began to subside and I stayed there holding her inflamed hand and petting her head, trying to comfort her as she did me so many times.   I am falling into a state of fear, hopelessness and despair…

For the next hours, I sat there with her, awake, spacing in and out, watching god knows what was on TV at 5:30 in the morning.  It was then that I could feel and hear my mom crying again, though no tears fell from her wide open eyes.   “My beautiful mother… please do not cry.  I am sorry you have to suffer like this… no one should suffer like this.”  I reached over and picked up the self-administration control of the morphine pump and pushed the button to give my mom an extra dose of morphine.   As I continued to try to comfort her, I realized that my poor mom, couldn’t see anything because of the way she was positioned.  The only thing she couldn’t see my face, maybe my leg if she was lucky but more than likely, only a tan wall and dark floor.  I don’t want this, these surroundings, to be the last thing she sees.  So, I pulled out my smart phone and the picture that was taken of her and me in the front of our house only a few years ago.

MomAndMe.

I held it, in front of her, directly in line of sight of her blank stare and gaze.   Petting her head… tears flowing down… my voice quivering…  “aw Mom, I can’t do this… I can’t watch you suffer like this anymore… It’s not right… It’s not fair… and you do not deserve this.  Remember this picture of you and me?  Well, I will always be here… Whenever you need to find me, you will always find me here at 5 Iris… I am so sorry… I couldn’t heal you…”  Crying… Tears streaming down my face… I lost it… Lost all hope… Lost all faith… trying to hold it together for her and so my brother and grandmother didn’t hear me… but my mother… did.

As I cried, trying to wipe the tears pouring from my eyes, my mother, through 5+ mg of morphine, closed her eyes, closed her mouth and with her last ounce of strength, opened her eyes, looked right at me and was present one last time.   She heard me… she heard her son crying and came to comfort her son one last time.  “I am so sorry Mom, I love you, so very much…”  to which she weakly replied “I love you too…”

“What’s happening?”    my brother woke up and replied.

“Get Nana up, mom’s passing…”

“What?  No she’s not… ”

“Just get Nana up and get over here, mom’s awake and she’s passing!”

As they gathered to her side, I stepped out of the way… she looked right at them… they said their goodbyes… they told her that they loved them… and with all that she could muster, weakly stated “I love you too…”  and her presence disappeared.

Not even moments later… a shift took place within that room… And my gaze was directed to the couch where a figure was sitting there.  I know not if it was my mother’s soul… her guardian, death himself, or a family member, but there was no question that there was an additional presence sitting there…

“Her guardian is here to take her… ” I said.  And with a few breathes after that… at 5:50 AM, August 29th, 2013… My Beautiful Mother Maureen, was no longer a mortal on this earth.  And my life, would never be the same… again.